Godville

15:15: A vile and filthy Multi-legged Luggage is robbing the golden brick caravan! I’d better catch him… 13:26: Hallelujah! Just bought a new piece of armor with no holes in it. Come and get me now, monsters! 18:04: Helped a wandering yogi untangle his feet from behind his neck. 00:19: I flung a gold coin into the monster’s eye, bursting its eyeball. Eeewww. 02:07: That Giant Enemy Crab looked at me funny. I guess it’s time to kill it. 09:23: I hope that the Shadow of a Doubt has good ears. I’ll take them as a trophy. 15:31: The sun shone brightly down from the sky and I was blinded. The intensity swept me out of my body. Looking around, I found myself standing in an endless field of grass. A benevolent spirit appeared and winked at me. When I returned to my body, I felt renewed. 06:59: Consulted a local chiropodist for a heel massotherapy session. Hallelujah! 07:42: Tried to navigate using the stars spinning around my head. Feel even dizzier now. 23:13: The trader suddenly started sobbing, while mumbling something about deceiving hundreds of heroes and carrying the soul-crushing burden of a guilty conscience. I nodded sympathetically while sneaking 336 coins from the register. 23:13: The trader suddenly gave me a big smile, winked and gave me a “Probability in Games for Dummies” book. I’m sure this huckster has something on his mind. 23:18: When the trader saw my “Probability in Games for Dummies” book, he grinned cunningly and gave me 413 coins for it. 00:23: A fat old man was screaming “Rudoooolph!” in the forest. I felt pity and gave him a piece of fresh reindeer meat that I had just bought from some wandering goblins. 20:56: Found a mountain cave that had been ransacked by clowns, and littered with dead cats. I took some beer from a blood-covered barrel, since there was no one else to drink it. 21:48: Тhе last thing the Warlock Holmes saw was me putting its family jewels into my bag. 21:13: Tattooed ’ ☢ Do Ryusen! ☢’ on my butt cheek. Nice. 07:16: Standing at the rim of a deep well, I felt an insidious urge to throw a stone into it. Madness. 13:29: Saw a platypus scuttle by. Great One, I like your sense of humor. 06:49: I’ve seen things people wouldn’t believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser Gate. And all those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain… Time to wake up. Quest #34 Learn to fly superhero style, fist-first (completed) (100%) 09:09: Tigger buried an “awesomeness” guild membership card that he found. Was that his way of showing contempt for that guild? 11:18: Tigger snorts disdainfully and laughs at my futile attempts to measure the depth of the bottomless pit. Now he’s making snickering noises and silly faces. If you think it’s so easy, why don’t you try it yourself, you silly dust bunny? 17:25: Paid 386 coins to give my little animal a bath before starting a tough campaign. Tigger’s coat now shines with exuberance and he is happily hiccuping soap bubbles. 17:28: Tigger fetched a dead rat from somewhere and proudly laid it at my feet. What is this? A sacrifice? 06:50: Walked across a pond. Wait… what just happened? 07:51: A preacher said that animals were not allowed in the temple, but Tigger narrowed his eyes angrily and quickly persuaded the cleric to change his mind. 18:20: A Godville Administrator roared furiously in front of me, then came closer to say hello. 18:27: Disarmed the Godville Administrator. I wonder, what should I do with this arm? 18:32: The Godville Administrator was shredded into tiny strips. I picked up an invite to Godville and 25 gold coins. 18:32: By the way, an invite to Godville is a very useful household item. I’m so proud of myself. 20:30: Had a hot date last night, or at least I think I did. I can’t remember a thing, but 1 gold coin are missing from my wallet, so it must have been pretty awesome! 19:49: Success! The vicious Ape of Wrath is defeated! Tonight I will regale the townsfolk with tales of my heroic conquest, whether they like it or not! 20:42: The Monorail Cat has been slain. Tigger was fed with some fresh meat. 21:00: Hmm, Tigger the dust bunny… The name doesn’t exactly strike fear into your heart. Maybe I should have called him AlexPKeaton? 08:08: Oh, the loot bag is so heavy… Hey, Tigger, get out of there! 12:47: I feel like Tigger is trying to tell me something. What exactly could it be? 12:48: Tigger suddenly got a very surprised look on his face and mumbled something that sounded like: ‘dig for treasure!’. Hmm, I thought he was of the non-talking kind. 08:08: Challenged the Titanium Gingerbread Man to battle, but it handed me a doctor’s note exempting it from heavy exertion. 16:35: Felt my backpack lighten a lot and then a golden brick dropped into my palm from my sleeve. Holy magic! 16:35: Mysterious forces created a golden brick in my wallet. Almighty One, 16:35: Felt some strange movement in my pockets. Looks like I’ve got yet another golden brick! was that your doing? 10:01: There was a full moon last night. All that moonlight was a bit eerie, but after howling for a while with Tigger I felt much better. 07:05: Bark, bark, arf, woof… what?! Who wrote this? Tigger, get your own diary! 16:19: A silly yellow bear gave me a hug, restoring several pixels of my health. 07:00: It seems that Tigger has managed to train his fleas. Maybe I’m going mad, but I think that I just saw them praying to him! 04:21: Lost the last hope of resurrecting my pet. Good bye, Tigger, I’ll promise my new best friend will look just like you! 20:29: Met a suspicious stranger in the tavern. He mumbled something about a secret religious organization in need of a brave hero who could accurately predict doomsday. Here I am! 01:58: Met a suspicious stranger in the tavern. He mumbled something about a secret religious organization in need of a brave hero who could find the true meaning of Christmas. Here I am! Quest #141 Find the true meaning of Christmas (completed) (100%) 21:33: Was rewarded with a pillow pet and a box of chocolates for active promotion of my guild with some cheap street magic. 22:32: I didn’t know that Scratchy squeaks while he sleeps. What a silly pet. 16:20: Felt a burning desire to examine the deus ex machina. Found inside something unbelievable — a scroll with instructions how to get a premature level up! 16:20: Hooray! I’ve reached level 35! 15:26: Ha, pillows are for wimps! Last night I slept on a turtle. 13:16: I wish I could write as mysteriously as a cat. 00:12: Walked into the local tavern, spat on the floor, knocked over a chair, glared intensely at everyone in the room and asked for a glass of chocolate milk. 20:47: The Tropical Yeti gave me a sappy, teary-eyed look, so I decided to spare its life. It’s good to be good! 08:54: I looked into the kind eyes of the vanquished monster and suddenly decided — Trojan Horse, you’ll be my pet! And I’ll call you Tigger. 19:48: Argued with myself about the existence of pumpkins, cakes, and other anomalies. 21:13: The Whatchamacallit handed me a thingamajig and threw itself into a nearby volcano. 07:11: I wanted to enter the city proudly on my prancing trojan horse, but Tigger flatly refused to prance. 11:44: Toaok a ride on the back of my pet. I think that a trojan horse is well suited for short rides. 21:34: Watched Tigger sleep as he cuddled against my leg. Aw, what a cute little trojan horse… 13:59: A bush near me just burst into flames and the flames spelled: ‘dig for treasure!’ 14:00: I can’t dig here! There’s a golden brick in the way. Oh well, I’ll simply take it. 15:49: Suddenly felt like I had to find a use for the mystery box. Shook it as hard as I could and out came two shiny new golden bricks! 08:04: Saw a squirrel flying backwards. My Lord, are you drunk? 16:53: Saw another hero sleeping in the sun. Wrote “ ☢ Om Ah Hung, baby! ☢” on his forehead in sunblock, then ran off giggling. 09:04: I successfully completed my quest to find more pages for the diary. Looted treasure – check! Slain princess – check! Rescued dragon – check… Whoops! There might have been a small confusion there. I better get rid of all evidences… 17:08: I’m too restless to recuperate and too lazy to do anything useful. Luckily I’m also too thirsty to stay sober. To the tavern! 14:06: I looked into the kind eyes of the vanquished monster and suddenly decided — Biowolf, you’ll be my pet! And I’ll call you Boo. Bandaged his wounds, gave him a treat and fastened the leash. 21:58: It seems that the Non-Terminal Repeating Phantasm has never fought a beast as amazing as my biowolf. Come on Boo! Give it to him! 13:35: Boo sat on the sidelines, fluttering his eyelashes and looking super cute. As soon as the monster’s back was turned, Boo struck it from behind with a tire iron. Good biowolf, you’re always so crafty. 18:06: Boo suddenly flew into a rage and breathed fire at the opponent. We were all shocked, even Boo himself. What other hidden talents does my pet have? 15:47: The town doctor told me that I was emotionally unstable. Punched him in the face, then huddled on the ground to cry. .Famous Heroes of Godville Carakticus – 41st-level adventurer, member of the “Warped Quantum” guild, with the motto “ ☢ Om Ah Hung, baby! ☢”, stands at the 4th position in the pantheon of creation under the vigilant supervision of the god DrOg. His worst enemy – a Reverse Engineer. Favorite trophy – something that looks like a horseshoe from a spherical horse. He is also a huge fan of Beerburgh’s pubs. 14:47: Persuaded the Spice Worm to commit suicide. Sometimes words truly are mightier than swords. 16:55: After defeating this Atomic Kitten, I felt an urge to twirl my weapon and strike an epic pose. Strange… 06:57: You can’t drink all day if you don’t start in the morning. Off to the tavern! 08:22: Decided to give up drinking. After all, what could possibly go wrong? 22:28: I successfully completed my quest to give up drinking. Looted treasure – check! Slain princess – check! Rescued dragon – check… Whoops! There might have been some minor confusion. I’d better get rid of the evidence… 10:01: Sparky’s just shed his skin! Wait, does a bipolar bear do that? Anyway, it looks bigger and meaner now. And clean. 19:51: Dear Diary, I have elected to employ greater formality in my record-keeping. I trust this meets with your favor. Regards, Carakticus. 18:53: Followed a stray dog for an hour thinking it was my bipolar bear. Got an evil stare from Sparky when I found him again. 22:00: Awoke with the head of an ogre in my bed… What the heck happened last night? 16:32: Sparky knows a new trick. Whenever I say ’ ☢ Om Ah Hung, baby! ☢’, his tail wags like crazy! See? See? 20:29: The Firefox’s last wish was for a small, quiet remembrance, so I remembered to drag his carcass quietly into the woods before I left. 09:18: Sparky looked hot, so I trimmed his fur. Then he looked cold, so I knitted the fur into a cardigan for him. Now he looks adorable. And annoyed. 13:13: Carefully placed the last brick, swept all the rooms, and opened all doors and in a stately manner cut the ribbon with my sword. I can’t believe it finally happened! After these many months of work, the temple in your name is finished, my Lord! I feel crazy with happiness. 11:00: Sparky doesn’t suspect a thing. Kind of makes me wish I was plotting something. 07:14: Luckily, I don’t write down everything that pops into my mind. Kill all humans. 07:04: Met an honest salesman today and gave him a few coins so he could eat. 17:26: Sparky wants to go back to town because his inventory’s full, but I’m not ready to return yet. He looks peeved, but how heavy can a few dead frogs and a ball of wool be, anyway? 22:47: I hate it when people ask me if I got here safely. No, I died many, many times. 22:21: Gave a tree a hug today, it smiled at me as I walked away… It likes hugs. 09:07: I placed thirty bags of gold on the sacrificial altar and offered a quick prayer to my Lord asking for a better life… It worked! I felt my experience bar greatly increase in size! 18:33: The guild doctor transplanted a Rector Yoda’s liver in place of my own. Can’t wait to test it out in the local tavern! 09:12: I never hear about monsters attacking each other. Maybe I should get a monster disguise? What do you think, Almighty… Zombie Carakticus perhaps? 14:26: Saw a Cookie Monster trying to climb a tree. I guess its nest must be up there somewhere. 00:05: The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did too. She started running so I ran too. Then she screamed so I screamed as well. I never even saw what we were running from. 22:47: Just encountered a Criminal Master Mime selling bootleg ‘BaconName BrandName Bacon’ T-shirts. It shall pay dearly for this trademark violation! 21:09: From now on, I shall completely devote myself to my quest, Omnipotent One! I shall not deviate from… Oooh! A little kitty! 08:59: What I mistook for a gravel path turned out to be paved with crushed bones and skulls. Decided to avoid this shortcut for now. 21:04: Chanced upon a roadside sock puppet theatre. I managed to take in about two minutes of it before being overwhelmed by the desire to self harm. 07:29: Sent Sparky on a scouting mission into The Cliff of The Lonely Hero. He returned with badges for knot-tying and helping people to cross the street. 10:37: Sometimes I wonder why I chose this job, but then I remember how much I love to stab things. 12:02: Exquisite happenings, Most Righteous One! I’ve felicitously enriched my vocabulary artificially through the serendipitous procurement and temporary employment of a thesaurus! 12:30: Rested and dreamt of a better tomorrow, when chickens can cross the road without being questioned about their motives. 13:39: I forgot to pay a bill in “Shepherd’s Stuff”. Guess what, I’ll put 10095 gold coins aside for a rainy day. 09:06: Bump. 08:16: My sack is full of monsters’ heads. I’ll drill proper holes in them later. 11:00: Was confronted by my nemesis. In truth, I expected something more dignified than a squirrel. 23:11: The trader paid me 2416 coins for the golden brick, then crushed it in his hand in front of me. He’s gone mad with power. Mad I say! 08:25: Was about to order my first drink when a picture of a quaint, little cottage by the lake caught my eye. Seems like just the place to settle down one day so I left and invested 6723 gold coins towards that dream instead. 12:46: Sparky suddenly swelled up, opened his mouth wide, and swallowed the Sans Sheriff whole. After a few chews, he spat out a cat’s tenth life. Should I be scared yet? 15:54: Felt bored without dueling and went looking for trouble. 13:10: I heard that when it rains it’s because you’re crying. Don’t be upset, Exalted One! Look, I’m doing a little dance for you! 22:43: I think if it weren’t for physics and law enforcement, I’d be unstoppable. 18:04: Feigned a few ailments to spend more time with the cute healer. 14:51: I was about to be killed by the Navi-Gator when a hooded skeleton appeared out of nowhere and caught me by the collar with his scythe, dragging me to safety 14:00: I heard that if you love someone, you should set them free. I released Sparky into the wild to pursue his hopes and dreams. Meanwhile, I’m off to pursue all my greatest ambitions, in the tavern. 11:30 PM “The Drunken Clam” had a 90-minute wait to sit down! Forget that, I’ll just save my 12920 gold coins. 07:36 AM I told the Infidel Castro to stay dead this time. It told me not to waste my new chaos engine. We both laughed.02:28 AM Felt a burning desire to examine the mystery box. Found inside something unbelievable — a scroll with instructions on how to get a premature level up!02:28 AM Hooray! I’ve reached level 76! 11:25 AM Mystery! Excitement! Adventure! Action! Thrills! That and much more, when you tune in to the Carakticus and Behemoth show! 11:18 AM “Guild Name” held a baked goods competition and my beer-soaked sponge cake took first prize. I attribute my victory to authentic ingredients: I always use 100% genuine sponges. Day 1386  g.e. Carakticus – 77th-level adventurer, member of the “Guild Name” guild, with the motto “DorothyMantooth isaSaint!”, stands at the 22nd position in the pantheon of creation under the vigilant supervision of the god DrOg. Rumor has it that a local Lone Rearranger has learned to show the hero proper respect for some reason.12:24 AM The trader claimed that my quantum wrench would be the final piece of his doomsday device. I hope I’ll get to enjoy the 392 gold coins I got from the deal before he activates it. Quest 1362: Become one with the universe (epic) 01:43 PM The Lode Runner suddenly lost interest and claimed it had a headache when I asked whether it fancied a bit of my “death by snu-snu” skill. 02:05 AM Found a package with the label “BACON” on it. Ate it without question. Quest 1362: Become one with the universe (completed) 100% 08:32 AM The Stripeless Zebra claimed it was only acting in self-defense. Behemoth disagreed. At least I think he disagreed. Never knew anyone to gnaw a person’s face off in agreement. 04:13 PM This morning I had the breakfast of champions! I just hope they don’t find out who ate it. 08:38 PM I take life with a grain of salt… A slice of lime, and a shot of tequila. 08:18 PM Found a bucket of flammable substance labelled “Nitroglycerine”. I’d better kick it aside before some idiot does something stupid with it. 05:12 PM Posed for a selfie over the body of the defeated Terror Bull, being careful to get my new sanity clause in the background. 09:22 PM Came across a wardrobe with its doors opened. Excited by the thought of new clothes, I peeked in, but saw only a lion and a witch lying in a snowfield. 08:22 AM Behemoth swallowed a tribble, then made a terrible face and spat out two. Well, thank you my friend… 08:28 PM My sack is full of monsters’ heads. I’ll drill proper holes in them later.06:27 PM The Sabertooth Fairy was rendered unconscious by the sheer might of my “death by snu-snu” skill.08:53 AM I heard that when it rains it’s because you’re crying. Don’t be upset, my Lord! Look, I’m doing a little dance for you! GV Times day 1469 g.e.: Carakticus – 80th-level adventurer, member of the “Guild Name” guild, with the motto “DorothyMantooth isaSaint!”, stands at the 148th position in the pantheon of savings under the vigilant supervision of the god DrOg. All he ever wanted was a little love and affection.12:39 PM There are times I wonder why I chose this job, but then I remember how much I love to stab things.10:04 AM I rolled the Bazookat up into a tiny ball and placed it on a tee. Grabbed my weapon, took aim and swatted the beast across the field where it landed in an empty grave. Hole in one! 11:31 PM Mounted my little friend and swiftly rode a couple of miles. Boo sniffed resentfully. 04:29 PM Hopped on Boo’s back and took a quick but bumpy ride. I really should get a saddle made that can fit a battlesheep. 12:27 PM I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it. 04:08 PM Buying equipment was getting too mainstream, hence I decided to buy some raw materials for 7112 gold coins and made my own armor of night invisibility in a nearby furnace. 09:46 AM Boo swallowed a bunch of fireflies. Now every time he hiccups, beams of light shine out of his eyes and ears. 01:04 AM Felt butterflies in my stomach. I guess eating those caterpillars the other day was a bad idea. 11:33 PM The doctor told me I needed to start drinking more. Also, I’m calling myself the doctor now.10:56 AM Found a group of pigs guarding stolen eggs. Score! Bacon and eggs for breakfast. 04:40 PM I cunningly put my “cash whistle” skill to good use, and the bewildered trader involuntarily handed me an additional 335 coins for my future antique. 09:26 PM Turned briefly to the dark side. Couldn’t see anything. 09:42 PM Ate. Prayed. Killed something.08:42 AM I leveled up! A huge golden podium rose out of the ground, giving me a chance to do an epic hero pose. Finally a level up as extravagant as Boo’s! -89.06:57 AM Stood over the slaughtered Wealthy ManBearPig and delivered a heartfelt requiem for its departed warrior soul. I then looted 1272 gold coins and a cute angle from the twitching corpse, which I think is a fair fee for a requiem these days. 01:38 AM A log! A thousandth log! I’m even ready for a flood now. Not that I’m asking for it, Omnipotent One. 05:01 AM Stared intently at the trader hoping she would give me a discount. Asked me out instead. 05:37 PM Felt a burning desire to examine the dimensional destabilizer. Found inside something unbelievable — a scroll with instructions on how to get a premature level up! 05:37 PM Suddenly noticed that my experience bar was empty. Panicked for a moment, before I realized that I’m now level 92! 04:42 PM A Ravenous Bugblatter Beast suddenly jumped out of the nearby forest shouting “You fight like a cow!”