These are some of the funniest and greatest moments my hero has gone through.
Enjoy:
06/23/2015 – 02:03 AM As I trudged through the forest, I met a very fat knight named Sir Cumference. He said he acquired hospitalar shape from too much pi.
06/26/2015 – 10:38 AM I almost drowned trying to save my reflection in the water.
06/26/2015 – 11:58 AM Ran with scissors. Nearly died.
06/26/2015 – 05:59 PM Switched to stealth mode. Now I don’t know where I am.
06/27/2015 – 01:05 AM Played hide-and-seek with myself and lost… again.
06/27/2015 – 05:15 AM Why can’t I ever have a boring day?
06/27/2015 – 10:10 PM Walked past a shell-less turtle. I wonder if it is naked or homeless?
06/27/2015 – 11:01 PM Helped to put out a fire in the temple of a higher level hero and was rewarded with some canned heat. Good thing no one knows it was my fault.
06/28/2015 – 06:20 PM By my calculations, Almighty, I’ve spent 87 percent of my money on beer. The rest I’ve absolutely wasted.
06/29/2015 – 06:51 AM My Lord, I was just thinking the other day… Do you believe in me or am I the one who believes in you?
06/29/2015 – 05:35 PM Can you hear me, Luminous One? I’m never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down.
06/29/2015 – 10:23 PM A fat old man was screaming “Rudoooolph!” in the forest. I felt pity and gave him some reindeer meat pie that I had just bought from some wandering goblins.
06/30/2015 – 05:02 AM Met an abandoned hero, who kept mumbling, “Can’t believe he forgot to set a password!” over and over. You’d never make a mistake like that and lose me, right, Almighty?
06/30/2015 – 07:36 PM Good news! The doctor just found traces of blood in my alcohol stream.
06/30/2015 – 07:45 PM Shared a campfire with a hooded figure in black robes holding a scythe. He didn’t talk much, just pointed at me quietly.
07/03/2015 – 12:31 AM This doctor’s accreditation looks like it was done in crayon, but he’s the only one around here that uses beer as an anesthetic.
07/03/2015 – 07:10 AM Admitted to the doctor that I’d been pretending that I don’t drink. He took it well, then confessed that he’d been pretending to be a doctor.
07/03/2015 – 03:08 PM Took a step forward and realized that I was one step closer to finishing my quest. Making good progress!
07/05/2015 – 06:39 AM Cover me, Great One; I’m reloading!
07/05/2015 – 07:05 AM Exchanged an eye for an I, then the I for an aye, then the aye for an eye. Success!
I successfully completed the quest to exchange an eye for an eye. Looted treasure – check! Slain princess – check! Rescued dragon – check… Um… I think I made a mistake somewhere. I’d better get rid of the evidence…
07/05/2015 – 07:16 AM Words of wisdom: Never scratch your nose while holding a weapon.
07/05/2015 – 07:53 AM I’ve seen things people wouldn’t believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser Gate. And all those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain… Time to wake up.
07/08/2015 – 06:34 AM I didn’t do it. Nobody saw me do it. You can’t prove anything.
07/11/2015 – 07:36 AM A wise man told me that I’m the proof that gods like a good joke. I laughed politely, but didn’t get it.
07/12/2015 – 03:16 AM Found another hero’s diary. Our entries were frighteningly similar… Great minds think alike, I suppose.
07/23/2015 – 12:03 AM Left. Left. Left. Left. Wait, am I going in circles?
07/23/2015 – 07:05 AM More money, more problems. More problems, more beer. More beer, less money. Less money, fewer problems! Now to go to the tavern, to improve my life!
07/25/2015 – 01:41 AM Please don’t take this the wrong way Almighty, but sometimes I think my life is just a game to you.
08/03/2015 – 01:50 AM Happened to stumble upon a group of dyslexic priests praying to their dog. Strange.
09/01/2015 – 03:15 AM The doctor insisted that I’d be better at fighting monsters if I weren’t drunk all the time. Like any sober person would wander around the wilderness fighting monsters all the time.
09/22/2015 – 07:33 AM Every time I cross the road, I get this weird feeling that a chicken is watching me.
09/22/2015 – 10:57 AM Saw a poster that read: “Schrödinger’s Cat: wanted dead and alive.”
09/22/2015 – 08:03 PM I’ve completed countless quests and traveled countless miles, yet I still haven’t found what I’m looking for.
09/22/2015 – 08:14 PM I’m not lost, Luminous One. I’m just having an unplanned adventure.
10/01/2015 – 11:46 AM Glued a sword handle to a large rock, then sat back and giggled to myself as I watched other heroes waste their time pulling on it. That was a fun couple of hours.
10/06/2015 – 05:19 PM Saw saplings march into war. Must be infant trees.
10/11/2015 – 04:39 AM Wow, 33! I don’t get older, I level up!
02/07/2016 – 04:55 AM Consulted a map. What a featureless and barren wasteland! Oh, wait — there’s something on the back.
02/07/2016 – 05:00 AM Proper punctuation can make the difference between a sentence that’s well-written and a sentence that’s, well, written.
02/25/2016 – 07:42 AM Sometimes it seems as if everyone is against me, but, when Spot snuggles up next to me, everything seems alright. I love my trojan horse!
03/20/2016 – 04:35 AM “I’ve got so much money in my pouch Almighty! I’m off to have a fun night at the tavern! My life is great and I’m glad for your help!” is what I would have written if you didn’t just melt all my coins into a brick.
04/02/2016 – 04:07 PM The monument to you is almost finished, Great One. It’s so close I can taste it! It tastes a lot like orange sherbet…
04/03/2016 – 04:33 PM Saw a rock and wondered why it was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
04/03/2016 – 04:56 PM My face must be glowing like this golden temple I just now finished for you, Luminous One. I have to say, it does look great!
04/05/2016 – 08:19 PM I made a new resolution: I will drink only on days that end with ‘y’.
04/09/2016 – 02:06 PM Saw a dead hero on the side of the road with the words “You should have listened to me” tattooed on his forehead. Forgive me for all the times I told you to shut up, Great One.
04/15/2016 – 01:05 PM Da n it I ne d to buy a new pen. Th s on is run ing ou of ink.
04/24/2016 – 01:12 AM The bartender saw my face outside the window and quickly switched the sign on the pub door to “Closed”. I guess I’ll just put 27709 coins in my savings, instead.
04/28/2016 – 02:46 AM The back of this milestone marker reads: “Churumelos was here.” Hey, I forgot I did that!
05/01/2016 – 02:00 AM Exalted One, why do I hear a distant tapping sound just before anything really good or bad happens to me?
06/04/2016 – 03:24 AM Dreamt that I was hugging and kissing the trader’s daughter. Woke up with my arms around a very angry Spot.
07/11/2016 – 02:06 AM Hey look, Almighty, the skeleton of my first ever corpse… wait a minute! Spot, bring that back!
08/07/2016 – 02:09 PM That Hidden Dragon must have been cheating, because I was cheating, and I still couldn’t beat it!
09/04/2016 – 06:52 PM Wow, I am level 60 now!
10/05/2016 – 09:12 AM Spot just shed his skin! Wait, does a trojan horse do that? Anyway, he looks bigger, meaner and cleaner now. My first level 30 pet! :D
10/10/2016 – The Day My Hero Appeared In The Daily Newspaper
• “So, we finally meet, Sulphuric Aphid!” – these were the last words of Churumelos, before he stepped on a rake.
01/07/2017 – 05:15 PM As I stood at the rim of a deep well, I felt an insidious urge to kick someone into it. Madness.
03/02/2017 – 07:48 PM Since my extraordinarily unhelpful god refuses to heal me, once again, I’ll have to do all the hard work myself.
16/06/2017 – 08:19 PM A log! A thousandth log! I’m even ready for a flood now. Not that I’m asking for it, Mighty One.
12/08/2017 – 09:07 PM You revive me every time I die, Almighty. Does that make me immortal? Am I a god too then? Can I have my own hero?