BENJI THEKNIGHT’S AUTOBIOGRAPHY
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CHAPTER ONE: WHO PAYS FOR MY DRINKS
Hiiiieee! I’m Benji Theknight. I’m One hundred and twenty two… Or maybe twenty three years old, I know, I know, I’m really young to be in this line of business, but what can I say? I’m super smart. Heh heh. That’s why Queen Claire, my beloved mistress chose me as her hero, from over a hundred thousand others!!!! Can you believe it? I adore her with all my heart, though I get very upset with her for stealing all my beer money to make gold bricks…
Benji makes a frowny face….to build her stupid temple
lightning strikes from the heavens
SORRY! I meant, she accepts my donations for her temple. I love to give all my gold to her!
Sparky, the significant otter chuckles
Shut it Sparky! Anyway, as I was saying, my Goddess is usually very kind. But she also sends me to the arena more often that I’d like to go. I’d rather go to The Open Bar for a few cold ones with my friends from Blue Feather.
Being a hero is mostly fun, except for the slaying monsters part. My goddess recently added a new monster into Godville, the Fangtastic Vampire. Bleugh, as if I don’t have enough monsters to fight already. This is why I’m writing this, this thingy, in case I die. Yeah I know QueenClaire can resurrect me. But what if one day she forgets about me?
Wait, what do you mean I can self resurrect after a while? That’s so cool! BOO YEAH I DON’T NEED YOU ANYMORE GODDESS!
Lightning strikes and transforms gold into a shiny brick
Ulp, sorry I didn’t mean that…
whispers atleast not until you abandon me for good. Then I’m a free man hahahahaha
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CHAPTER TWO: I GOT 99 PROBLEMS AND A PET IS ONE
So, apparently pets don’t live forever! Who knew? Poor sparky, I don’t miss him… But my Goddess keeps sending weird voices down mourning the otter.
whispers She’s kinda cuckoo y’know…
Godvoice floats from the heavens I CAN HEAR YA YOU PUNK!
Whoops, well anyway, now I have Rex! He’s a strong mighty, extremely booorrringggg biowolf. He’s like Johnny bravo. He got the looks but he got nothing on me when it comes to brains. I’ve won 3/10 scrabble games against him, so there!
I keep asking my goddess for a cooler pet, like a Wi-Fly or something. But apparently Rex has to get knocked out for that AND HE JUST REFUSES TO! throws a rock at the biowolf who agilely catches it between his teeth
Whatever, who cares? I know I’m better than him and that’s all that matters, right? Right??? taps screen HEY I’M TALKING TO YOU, YOU SILLY GOD (OR GODDESS) ANSWER ME!
a sign board drops on the hero pointing the direction to complete the quest faster
Gah, whatever. Who cares for you silly immortals, I’m immortal too okay? Okay??? Ugh, this feels like I’m talking to a HORSE!
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CHAPTER THREE: I’M NOT NOAH!
So here’s the deal. IM NOT AN OLD MAN WITH THREE SONS! Nor am I an ark builder! My Goddess is cruel, cruel I tell ya.
I made her that darn temple. It looks pretty good in my opinion, but is she happy? Does she say, ooh Benji! What a marvellous hero you are? NO! She does not. Instead, she has the audacity to tell me, Hey I want an ark now.
Can you believe the cheek? I mean, excuse me! I spent seven months, slogging my beautiful rugged body to make a temple, SEVEN MONTHS and now she’s not satisfied and wants an ark? Well I want two heroines as my wives, but I’m sorry Exalted One, we all can’t get what we want!
I’m going to be as lazy as possible, this time I’ll make my Goddess slog. She got the bricks from me but she ain’t getting no logs! That too of GOPHER WOOD? How picky can she get? Can’t she see all other heroes and heroines are using it too? Why can’t I just use some nice pieces of driftwood to make a raft? THIS SUCKS!
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CHAPTER FOUR: OF MIRACLES AND MAGIC AND MICE AND MEN
Soo apparently, now that I built my Goddess a bedazzling, super fab temple (with lesser scratched and damaged bricks than other heroes) she’s been doing great things! Like did you know, she healed me completely once! With one zap! COMPLETELY!
IT WAS LIKE MAGIC! Super charged magic y’know? I’m a changed man I tell you. Changed. She’s been benevolent and kind and amazing and beautiful and the one I adore complete-
HEY WHO HAS BEEN MESSING WITH MY CHRONICLES? I DIDN’T WRITE THAT! PAH! HMFFFH “She” thinks she can get away with it just because she’s my Goddess? As if. As punishment, I REFUSE to save. OOOH you wanted that shop right My Lady? Guess what? YOU’LL HAVE TO WAIT FOUR YEARS FOR IT NOW! You might as well abandon me now!
Lightning strikes a tree
Heh, that doesn’t scare me anymore. I mean, now her punishments are WEAK. It barely hits off any of my health. Plus she’s stopped wasting her powers. She saves it for when we go spelunking! So hah, I can say WHATEVER I WANT IN MY CHRONICLES NOW! BENJI THEKNIGHT IS AMAZING, NO OTHER HERO IS LIKE ME, OH YEAAAH BABY, NOBODY CAN TAKE ME DOWNNNN- but don’t challenge me. I’ll probably lose.
Wait scratch that, I’ll DEFINITELY lose.
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