Talking slowly and loudly to her goddess, as if her deity were a foreigner…
I may not be the best worshipper, Luminous One, but I’m the only one worshipping you…
Name: Odaxitar, equipped with a ‘smug righteous attitude’ and Impure Thoughts, wearing a red armoured tank-top with gadget arms! Currently giving names to each of my battle scars…
Favourite Thing: Practicing her emotions in a mirror… My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance, but I’ll show them! Stealing random medicines from other heroines as they leave the doctor’s office… Also, the trader bet me that I couldn’t eat my piece of duct tape- I won myself 158 gold coins and a terrible stomach ache in return.
A mysterious admirer bought me a pint of beer at the pub. After immediately skulling it, I noticed he wrote “Would you remember what happened last night for me?” engraved in tiny script on the bottom of the glass. Oh, the trials and tribulations I must endure for my fans! Asking my doctor if this healing potion is right for her active lifestyle…
Reading an ominous-sounding incantation from a weird dark book…
You hear that, monsters? Yeah, it’s me, Odaxitar, and I smell victory! Also a nearby skunk. So run, cowards! Some cause happiness wherever they go. I cause bad luck whenever I go. A loudmouthed Capitalist Overlord declared that my goddess must be a zero… No one insults Saphanon but myself! I will make it pay dearly for its insult! I have such great stamina that I can run away all day long. You can’t catch me, Capitalist Overlord!
Awoke on a silk bed with a bouquet of flowers in my hands and cards all around the room. There was even a picture of me, cut out in the shape of a heart! I’ve finally got a love, my Lady! Upon leaving my hospital, someone said to me “Same time, Odaxitar?” I should check the damage I take on a regular basis. Heard another person say, “Ya gotta be able to smile through all the bad things happen to you.” But I’m not supposed to speak to strangers.
A preacher for a false god said, “Whatever else you do, do NOT, under any circumstances, follow by example!” The nerve of him! I’m gonna go ahead and do it just to spite him. I felt guilty thinking about how much the Bitter Chocoholic would miss his truth embellisher and 34 gold coins, so I killed him!
Great One, why do you punish me so much?! I’m starting to get really caught up in this beautiful dark twisted fantasy of yours… Saphanon showed me a prophecy that says I’ll be the one to win second place in a beauty contest. I don’t want to win it, but I don’t seem to have a choice… A humongous pink cloud descended in front of me. I reached out to touch it and withdrew cotton candy! Spent a few hours in total bliss. Yum yum! Jumping up and down, trying to hug her goddess!
“LA LA LA! I can’t hear you, Almighty! I practised ‘looks would kill’ in my own mirror and was frightened of my reflection… Nothing appeared.” Awoke to a rooster crowing ‘Good morning sunshine!’ Ate the fiend and went back to sleep. Psychologist is pausing dramatically and asking, “What’s my motivation?”
I was compelled to rehearse a verbose speech for world domination, was that your doing? My psychiatrist told me the reason I get lost in thought is because it’s such unfamiliar territory.
When I was a little heroine, I heard my mum say, “You’d better get your quest Miss, because someday you’re gonna attempt to crash reality!” Well, she always knew that.. Oh my Goddess, where do I come from? Am I nothing but a toy meant to worship you? Dissected my insani-tea to see how it worked, but all I see is how it doesn’t work. The Serial Self-killer choked on its own rage at my illogical style of argument. I recategorized its 5 coins as my own payment.
Tried to strike an epic, badass pose to instill fear in my enemy. The Possessed Demon laughed so hard that it choked and died. Oh well, at least I found some deleted footage under its corpse! A trader claimed that my monster magnet would be the final piece of his doomsday device. I hope I’ll get to enjoy the 226 coins I got from the deal before he activates it.
A beautiful voice pierced the forest shrieking “Thank you, great heroine. Find me gold.” I thought my goddess was really annoying! Was confronted by my nemesis, expected something more dignified than an enraged Angel! I never understood these markers. Who is Melisely of The Field of Special Magic, and why should I care that she died here?! Barked up the wrong tree. Was chased by birds. I’m not sure whether the Spaghetti Elemental led a good life or not, but it was reincarnated as a bar of spaghetti and 34 coins immediately after I ate it.
Thrashed the Romanticore with a spectacular combination in slow motion. It responded by staging a moving death scene, which has been going on for literally hours… Saw a dead heroine on the side of the road with the words “You should have listened to me” tattooed on her forehead. Forgive me for all the times I told you to shut up, Mighty One.
I heard a nearby Evil Genius yell “I have no soul”. You can assault me, take all of my gold and items, but when you steal the motto that I worked so hard to coin, that’s when it’s personal! It’s on now!
My doctor told me that a life of fighting monsters and drinking beer would surely lead to my grave. That may be true, but at least I’ll be taking the slow route… After showing my own diary to the psychiatrist, he said it looked like the work of hundreds of different personalities, rather than just one. What do others know anyway?!
The Mayor distacted me as I went to get breakfast at “The Mended Drum”. As soon as we exchanged names, he served me with a court order to protect the village from its mayor, which, while it was unexpected, I’m choosing to take it as a sign of affectionate regard. As the Early Bird was about to deal me a finishing blow, a larger Early Bird suddenly appeared, savagely pinched my attacker’s ear, and dragged it away, scolding it for being up well past its bedtime. Whew!
Bought a lederhosen of redemption off the trader with a good discount for my song and a dance. Either he really likes tunes or I need to change jobs! My irresistible charm was worth weight in gold, it weighed as much as 378 gold coins the trader paid. That same merchant was bamboozled by my entrepreneurial flair as I put my “forced generosity” skill into gear… I sold my arena ticket for the handsome sum of 227 coins and he even threw in a pouch of eterna tea as a sweetener!
Felt reallly generous. I think I’ll save the rest of my Necessary Evil for some other time… Flicking through a diary of a slain Adoring Fan. Man, I was cross as a jerk in this carved into a tree in a heart with an arrow through it. He is planning to slay me. Showed my diary to the psychiatrist. He said it like different personalities, does he know anyway?!
Cheeseburglar on the ground then a passing trader said, ‘A-ha, fresh meat! I’ll give you 4 coins for it’. Yay!
I do wish my goddess would stop going through my jumbled memories as it’s an invasion of my privacy!
Oh diary, how I wish that writing in you covered my daily calorie intake. I wouldn’t need to do dull tasks like help three little kittens find their mittens. Sigh… Dino suddenly perked up attentively and roared. Then he rushed into the bushes and pulled out a list of stupid ideas. What a clever pet!
‘Milo + Odaxitar’ is etched on a tree. I think he’s confused at the depth of our relationship… Finally got a Solar Bear: Taught myself some simple tricks. It seems that I mastered the “Stare ahead blankly” command. My Lady, is that you I see? The clouds look like a face… or maybe I just need glasses. Looted the home of a slain Edible Jelly. Found an old group photo.
Saphanon, I’ve killed this Evil Genius so many times…are you resurrecting them too? Because that just seems wrong.
I breathe heavily in the hopes of starving the Albatrocity of oxygen. It worked! Added a can of dehydrated water to my inventory. As I was staring at the assorted pastries and candy in the shop window, my heavy breathing eventually revealed a secret message in the glass: “Go take a swim in the Sea of Tranquility!” This is gonna be sweet! Remembering the advice to “Buy low, sell high,” I held the money-tree sapling up over my head and got handed 270 gold coins! My psychologist told me I was insane. But my backpack assured me that it was more qualified than him, and that I shouldn’t listen to his asinine remarks.
I once visited a wise mage in Deville and asked him the meaning of my existence. I will never forget his reply: “Who are you!? How you get into my house?” I was mistaken for a doctor from the “Groovy Church of Happy Happy Joy Joy” Guild. Managed to send all to the queue before I was discovered.
Odaxitar is a sure footed gal who doesn’t care her god loves her. She has battled the Hound of Music, is irritable and often yells at the sky in futility… She is a bit cowardly and runs away from potential enemies and a bit of a crybaby, but she hadn’t died as of yet- but a death note loaned for 4k gold may change fate. The weight from all this gold would do better as beer in my belly. I’m off to lighten my load… Did you know that some monsters are edible? Tastes like chicken… (Giggling madly)
Bluefish as she is often called, was formed out of the essences of shooting stars and debris of comets, which was a rather strange fluke of history. She likes to eat rabbits for dinner and is rather dense. She likes attending the Orc band called ‘Waaagh’ and drinks heavily and often prays in the middle of the bar, begging her Goddess not to leave her stranded in the middle of an important battle. She likes shoes the most, according to the big Book of Wow, comissioned by a monk…
I told the doctor about my occasional memory loss, he made me pay in advance.
Rubyk gave me a placebo for my hypochondria. At least, someone else takes me seriously! If I didn’t know any better I’d confirm Saphanon only check on me once a day. Don’t you love me, everyone? Found a large trout. Undecided on whether to turn it into a meal or a great weapon?
Bluefish’s main hobby is to dance with the demon in the pale moonlight. And she started to enjoy re-reading her own diary, reminiscing over the good old times… Caught my reflection in a shop window as I strolled by: Damn I look good! Quickly buried my head in the sand, hoping the Plastic Sturgeon won’t notice me… Too late. I’m unscathed, exCept fOr brAIn daMAg3…? My brains fell out again- it’s hard to keep an open mind, as there has been an unexpected mess up during my surgery… Now I have “inept singing” skill instead! The doctor gave me 1954 coins for my promise to keep it quiet.
Each. Second. Crawls. By. Slower. Than. A. Snail. I’ve. Been. Watching. For. The. Last. Two. Hours…
Mission: To live my life as if there were no tomorrow! Name the capital of anywhere in the universe? Capital of Godville is ‘G’. The Demon honked ’Death’s just beginning!’ while I backed away slowly.
Sweet, a beating demon’s heart! This matches me! Soon I’ll have an entire matching pair! Threw my transmogrifier up into the sky as a present for you. Then watched it come crashing down and break into a thousand pieces. But it came from the heart!
Bluefish perished once, only for Saphanon to grow tired of her complaints and she requested to be reincarnated into a tree. Ten minutes later, she climbed a tree in the hopes of playing with squirrels. Her goddess is very puzzled about that. The Security Guard really hurt me. Luckily for me, my feelings generate twice of a normal heroine’s.
Bluefish also hugged many Heroes and puppies in her lifetime, one called Jordan Utterly made the fatal mistake of being ‘intercepted’ by a ‘vicious embrace’ and fainted soon afterwards in the Arena, which made her well reowned for being a hugger of Heroes. Out of my mind currently, be back in a couple of minutes… Nudge, nudge, know what I mean? Not all glitters is gold… But if it’s shiny, I want it!
Ah, my sharp-toothed Evil Twin approaches as I say this, another one had brought her here to test my skills! Fluffy Sexy Beast was beaten to death: Why do you hate me so? Heard a loud growl from somewhere? Curry? Nope, it’s a Spice Worm!
Odaxitar often flirts the Merchant’s son with varying unsuccess rates. She is part of the Warped Quantum guild as an Intern.
She is often VERY selfish and laughs at pointy-eared elven bees. She sold entire items from her inventory, which often included bolded items, which made Saphanon very sad: My inner voice started to croon something nasty~ Hey, not this song again! (incessant screaming)
Chiselled a proclamation, ‘Odaxitar is here!’ into a nearby statue: I will be remembered long after I’m gone! Your love is lifting me higher than I’ve ever been lifted before, my Goddess.
Odaxitar likes to listen to the growling of ghouls in the middle of the night. This heroine thinks personally they’re quite impressive: ‘But they sill chatter a bit too much to me at times though…’ She is so desperate for love of any kind that she often confesses her undying affection for a… SNOWMAN. She’s afraid that the snowman might come to life and chase her like so many other Weeping Angel statues she’d seen in the town square, hopefully it never comes to this.
Interestingly, Bluefish has an Inner Demon, which fights to get her under control. Her own Inner Demon had thoughtfully repeated: ‘Tame a pet. Go to a pet store. Get a companion.’, which was downright weird for her. Sometimes, she can be ‘downright’ cruel, like when she met a fat man in the forest called Santa, she soon thought he had claws. I laughed in the Killer Rabbit’s face and yelled, “Is that all you’ve got?” Unfortunately, it doesn’t know what a rhetorical question is.
Santa was looking for his pet reindeer, Rudolph, Odaxitar felt pity for the poor guy so she gave jolly Saint Nick some (fresh) deer meat bartered from some nearby Goblins. He rebuked her and wouldn’t give her any presents afterwards. No doubt, it was her Inner Demon’s fault. She often desires a pet to accompany her journey. Luckily she’s a master thief who is obsessed with doughnuts and steals them whenever she can. I completely run out of food. Can you send me some more edible monsters to fight, Saphanon?
Ran out of more placebos so I swallowed my chariot license with a glass of water. I feel better already, I think. When I told the Logical Nightmare that my mission was to kill as many bosses as possible, its demeanor changed completely. It called me an honorary comrade of the Monsters’ Revolution and handed me a spread sheet in recognition of my service to the cause. Weird.
Don’t panic, Odaxitar… That Romanticore is probably more scared of you than… Who am I kidding?! I’m making a run for it! What I like best about myself is the fact that I’m so misunderstood whenever I do something wrong. Scratched off ten hearts stickers from my diary and stuck them all on myself like bandaids. Felt much better.
My “explosive character” ability is so dangerous it’s been outlawed in the majority of Godville. She has a habit of falling asleep at inappropriate times as she says here- “Uh-oh. Fell asleep during my prayers! I wiped the sticky drool off, and then hastily tossed 21 coins in the tray in the hopes that my Almighty is busy plaguing some distant land and minutes later I now woke up in the middle of the street! Some little orphan kept poking me with a stick as he said I was snoring loudly… Oh, my Saphanon!”
She then said afterwards: “A local peasant gave me an illustrated philosophy textbook out of ‘gratitude’. Extortion for the win!”
Amazingly, soon she found a cute little Firefox and decided to call him Gleep after the sounds he makes, and gave him a bone and a leash.
Gleep was rorty and wild and liked to chew on random stuff. He was an exotic Firefox dancer who performed Gothic dances for the Queen of Monsters. Gleep was lvl 5. He soon perished so she got a rocky racoon called Sparky who didnt do anything. Bluefish hated Sparky because he was lazy and kept pilfering dead bodies. But Sparky still healed her by licking her wounds.
I had returned to the point of no return in my mission. I now tried to figure out how he heals so quickly. Sparky happily wagged his tail and yawned in my face… It is said that pets are like their owners. I’m watching mine and don’t want to believe that. Sparky rumbles in anticipation of causing more property damage and I tripped on the silly racoon…
I didn’t know that Sparky wheezes while he sleeps~ what a silly pet! He passed away at lvl 10 to her own grief. Bluefish was so traumatized by this event, soon she found yet another Firefox and an Invincible Bipolar bear to replace Sparky- and named them both Felix, the lucky ones. Whether this was a mysterious coincidence is yet to be seen. However, the Felix were aloof and didn’t appreciate her, but the vet told her that it would live healthy life.
Saw children repeating my own prayers in a high-pitched, girly voice and laughing happily? See, Saphanon – news of your splendor is spreading out, it’s bringing children joy!
It occured that my Felix (bipolar bear) trained his fleas. I’m going mad, but I think I just saw them praying! He snorts disdainfully while I was in the temple to enjoy watching my futile attempts to (CENSORED)! Now he is making faces at me. If you think it’s so easy, why don’t you do it yourself?!
As she spoke, an inexplicable moment happened and a flash of cosmetic light: Bluefish stood mesmerized as a flexible tunnel opened up in the temple, and inexplicably drawn to the source of the chaos, strange tunnel was calling in her dreams and knew that she must enter it and enlightened by Saphanon: Where do heroes come from, does my pain give them delight?!
‘Emergency Exit’ opened to me in Los Demonos as I felt lightheaded… I knocked a few candles over as I stumbled in my plight to understand my ephipany and hoped our greedy priest soon would take care of my gold, I didn’t need them where I was going~ I dropped my writing utensils as Felix barked in vain…
I soon was enlightened by the true Voice of my goddess within: You are US, I am the Pegasus and you are all in this together-good job-job random static wall glitch,
I had no words for what had occured, it was like so groovy and psychedelic and caught up in another vivid vision… OMG! I almost got killed by another shooting star! Bluefish had no words for this: working in an office, being overworked, she begged Saphanon to stop this nonsense: Complete your quest faster!
In the tunnel, Odaxitar found a bottle of liquid rainbow which enhanced and clarified her erratic thoughts:
My vision increasingly trippy afterwards and I wondered whether I smoked too many peace pipes, really hope that my future’s not in danger- Suddenly I felt extremely dizzy, closed my eyes for a moment… Found myself at the Godville’s market square. Heroes stared, but what a weird miracle! I must write all this down so that my Goddess has a book!
Nibbler reappeared suddenly by my side to enter the city proudly on a prancing dandy lion, but he flatly refused to prance for me!
Disembowelled my Snow Angel with zaps from my weapon. Hair of dog tumbled out, but Nibbler swallowed before I could grab him. I should be able to get my waterlogged diary back… Eventually?!
Last Entry recorded: I think I left my own diary back in Los Demonos! Oh no! Now 12 months old-
Trader: I like your guild, a broken promise ring as a gift? (facepalm) So I tossed 1289 coins in a wishing well and wished for more money!
The Self-killer screamed ’I’ll tell the God of Monsters on you!’ Found a never-ending storybook and 20 gold coins. (just in time for Halloween!) My Inner Demon turned to dust. I blew away its ashes and found a bottle of virgin’s tears.
Halloween: Challenge Death to a chess game!
Nibbler 2 is my spirit animal: A Solar Bear
playing chess develops strategic plans AND a flexible mind. That’s why gods don’t like chess players. Shame as I play chess! Yet another monster is waiting up ahead. I’m getting too old for this rubbish. The Hateful Romanticore is amazing as my solar bear, give it to me!
A Hot Dog thought it was a good idea to eat me. I disagreed, om nom nom! While the Pseudonymph was donning somber attire for my funeral, I retreated into the nearby forest. My Evil Twin stepped on my new shoes. For that, I challenge it!
My pray-station became a shiny blue Tardis and swept away into the sky. I guess Saphanon also collects bricks… Hey! Who turned out the light?! I passed in battle as a true hero. Speedy Sloth, I’ll be gone!
Later: I’ve travel back in time to prevent myself from starting this quest: Gleep perked and roared. Then he rushed into the bushes and pulled out a “God loves you!” poster?
Prayed so intensely I finally forgot about happy hour at ‘Rusty Goblin’. Hope you appreciate my dedication, Goddess?! A guard caught me writing “I have no soul” on a wall. Had to pay a fine of 740 coins.
I was laughing at the Steam-Powered PleasureBot, :) I woke up in a strange barn, with a note pinned to my skirt asking paint the sky with stars. I’ll start on that…, Gleep, don’t sound right. Maybe I should have called him Saeda?
I suppose being an immortal heroine is OK, but it raises a question: where do I want to be in five years?
The boring bard told me that there are people inside of my head because I say them. Let’s hope not. So I instead lost my childhood by buying candy… Had a serious talk with myself. Didn’t understand a word. Cheerful Lemming squeaked, ‘Stop killing me!’ before backing away slowly! Finding my psychology on a Hall Minotaur. Bad that he thinks that it’s a heroine and I’m an attractive bull.
Starting to realize that the existence of other heroes makes me less special. I want to crawl under a rock… Confusing inner monologue with my own voice… Gave a tree a hug today, it smiled at me as I walked away… It likes hugs. The temple was empty. I scared off villagers with my frequent visits.
As I walked into a small hamlet, the villagers offered me a friendship bracelet to ward off the monster they’d heard growling in the woods. I didn’t have tell them that was just me hungry. townsfolk recalled my guild miracles and gifted me a blue pill of happiness.
I made an imaginary friend called Pinky who goes Nark. (pinky and brainy, ones an genius the other was insane!) it’s a heffalimp. finally near my temple i fainted out of exhaustion… A trader and his shop just fell from the sky to serve us?! Gaze at my stigmata! They will remember you, Great One as I escaped from the Feral Hero by cliff jumping.
Found some nuts with a sign that said “Free Birdseed.” Stopped for a snack and a Battle Ox on rocket skates tried to grab me! Owww! The therapist told me not to participate in brawling, fist fights, or ballroom dancing. What do I do on my Thursday nights now? He cured me of my senseless rage. I’m still angry, but now I’ve got a reason to be! shortly before I Was pursued by a Navi-Gator yelping frantic mating calls. Can’t believe all the stuff that seems to only happen to me…
A woman in a suit hired me to skate on thin ice. She asked me to work smart and think outside the box. I can sense several hurdles here, but I’ll see what I can do. just got word that “The Dark Star” is hosting a party in Last Resort. I better get back there before I miss it.
Was released from my insanity by Saphanon’s promise to stay at home. Too bad my friends know that my home is my temple :( Clouds loom like it’s going to rain. Saphanon, are you about to cry?
Lost tons blood, and that contained a lot of alcohol! o~0 I told Full-Metal Arsonist that if it killed me Saphanon would be lonely. He was touched and let me go.
Gnawing on a willow tree… had a strange dream last night, Saphanon peeking at my diary, chuckling to yourself and eating chocolate, not true?
Awww, look, a baby Alpha Centaur! I wonder where its mother is. Why is Dino fleeing in terror? Decided to roll around in the snow. It’s for camouflage only. I’m definitely not playing with Dino. And I’m definitely not having any fun at all.
Pain suddenly wracks my entire aflame body. I scream in terror as golden light pours from every inch of my pale beautiful skin. I don’t think my clothes even fit any more. Wait, was that a random miracle, or did I regenerate into a new level? What do you think, Dino, my faithful companion? I think I am age 60!
Is astounded I’m lvl 60. People tell me that I act much younger, and I still act like a total newbie… I hate to advocate violence, and insanity, but they have always worked for me! The trader and I exchanged coy glances, as well as the ‘Pixies Gone Wild’ book and 67 coins…
I guess this is SO epic! I have to change the world, then change it back. It’s going to be a long day… shouting from the trader’s hut: ‘Do whatever to achieve your dream, even if it means death.’
Lying in bed staring at the stars. Wonder what happened to the ceiling?
I dreamt I was a giant lollipop. Woke up to find Pinky licking me and gold coins were chocolate wrapped in foil. Yum! Octobear was done with me I’d be sleeping with fishes. I guess that must be where mermaids come from. I am to take a long hard look at myself, so I did. Hello gorgeous! Looking good, Odaxitar!
2013: Today is the first day of the rest of my life….or this Spice Worm’s life. Better get winning.
My Shock Therapist was gloriously torn to pieces! While rifling through I found a tank of healium. buried my head in the sand, hoping the Demotivational Speaker wouldn’t notice me.
Aw yeah! Odaxitar versus the world: round 2! I won’t let you down, Saphanon! I don’t write down everything which pops into my mind like Kill all humans…
While eating a Hot Dog, I fell over and pretended to choke… Guess I won’t have to pretend anymore…
Examined my dead body. Not a very heroic pose, but at least I have a fatal wound on my chest.
Knewblack saw me lying on the ground and began inscribing “R.I.P.” on a stone. I think it means to me “Resurrection In Progress”. But it’s due…
4 months later- Found a “Mobile Medic” kiosk by the roadside. I dropped a cat’s tenth life into the slot and now my life is restored! This is better than a doctor!
Looking forward to meeting you in the afterlife, so why do you resurrect me? Are you trying to tell me anything?
I was told that a box of sins holds a power great enough to destroy worlds, so I sold it for 268 gold.
Today I fought, ate, prayed, and drew pretty pics in my diary, all while breathing! I’m so awesome!
Told the doc I didn’t care any operations he performed on me as long as he used anesthetic: “A handsome guy for a beautiful heroine!” as he paid me 309 coins for my cooling system- I said it, but I’m sure he was thinking it.
As I walked by an abandoned mill, I heard ‘Be honest and kind to all those you meet.’. That was creepy. A Clockroach coughed up SouthernCharmz, before he handed me the time and 29 coins found in its belly as a thank you for saving him. Just then a blue box appeared and… So I met Doctor Whoa and yada, yada, yada… now I’ve got 34 coins and his immoral compass.
Stumbled on a gathering of random heroes talking about how long it’s been since their last drink. Felt sorry for them, spent 4134 gold coins buying them beer. Awoke to a new day in a bed with breakfast waiting on a tray. Spent the day fixing the hole and saluting to the guy who had been sleeping in the temple when I fell through the ceiling.
Based on current evidence, I remain cautiously optimistic that I’m immortal: I heard some sounds coming from my bag. A glowing rainbow immortality spread around me. Nice. Realizing that I always want what I can’t have, I gave the trader my last ticket to ‘Godville the Musical’ so that I’d come to appreciate it. regretted it, not even the 174 gold coins I received in exchange can console me.
Stood over the slaughtered Squid and delivered a heartfelt requiem for its departed soul. I then looted 21 gold coins and a catalog of minor indiscretions from the twitching body, which I think is a fair fee for a requiem these days. The voice told me to try real food for a change, and to stop drinking potions. So, I’m on an iced beer diet.
With longevity came new wisdom. Now I savor every hour. Every defeat tastes like a victory. Every victory… Couldn’t really tell what that tastes like… Escaped from the Lightning Dolt by jumping into the nearby river. Promptly drowned…! Agh!
Dino the dreaded gazebo… Doesn’t sound right. Maybe I should have called him the Hypnotoad?
The trader didn’t notice Dino’s teeth marks on my frame of mind! Managed to keep a straight face as he gave me 236 coins. Spent my money on some delicious beer but glares from Dino tripped me into adding 5041 coins to my retirement fund. Darn dreaded gazebo and his morals! Dino now knows a new trick, When I say ‘I have no soul’, his tail wags like crazy! See? See?! A wayward lightning bolt from me singed Dino’s grassy fur into an even cuter hairdo. He looks upset but very stylish.
Was so happy to complete my quest to find a ghost in the shell and perform a rite of exorcism, that I passed out. I don’t remember what the reward was, but I’m sure it was very pleasant…
My quest to moonwalk through the valley of the shadow of death has been completed! Got a chainsaw of events as a reward. It’s time to go and celebrate!I was about to be killed by the Stranger when a hooded skeleton appeared out of nowhere and caught me with his scythe, dragging me to safety. Had a death, swiftly followed by a death experience at the hands of the dastardly Godville Administrator
I almost drowned trying to save my reflection in the water, that was close!
Saw a younger guy derping at his quest. I took it and said I will test samples of an ‘all-you-can-eat’ buffet for him. He’s much too young for it anyway. In the meantime, I just got word that “The Dark Star” is hosting a party in Deville. I better get back there…
Realizing that dark forces dictate that the rarer an item is the more valuable it becomes, I destroyed my easter egg. Now it could have been worth a fortune!
Jaded by the long line to the doctor, I instigated a tiring game of “Follow-the-Bleeder” Just as I was getting weak, I remembered the bottle of hot sauce in my pocket. Poured it all over my arms. When the E-bowler bit into me, its eyes went wide and it ran away screaming! Broke a medal for setting a new record in “The Trans-Astral Highway” 5K. I wonder if I should mention to them I was running away from that Shadow Worrier.
Scienctists offered me 1459 coins to be their lab rat. A barrage of pills, multiple injections, hours of prodding and numerous complications later, they discovered how to swap my “backyard portal” skill with “epitaph writing” skill! If only they knew how to reverse the effect.
I saw a dead hero near a fully dug pit. Was he digging his own grave? Anyway, picked up a chocolate dust bunny that had fallen into the pit.
The Neck Romancer screamed, “But kids play this game!” as I tore its head off. Fished around in its guts and found a victory sweetener and 15 gold coins.
Suddenly, a dream-catcher cried out “Odaxitar! You came back for me!”, and leapt off the shelves, into my arms. I’m sure there’s a simple explanation, but I don’t know what it is! And then a chameleon sitting on a newspaper altered its body colors to read, “Your loyalty to your goddess is quite commendable.”
You know, my Goddess, I’m not just a hero… I’m taking night classes in economics just to get my PhD… I just act less intelligent to fit in with the other heroes… The Unchosen One laughed at my bad handwriting, so I laughed at its chalk outline and its book of famous last words.
I’ve noticed that most people are getting older whereas I’m just getting better at making stuff up. My last quest is: to put an end to my “Never-Ending Story” Oh, cool! There is a sign reading ‘Free Beer!’ points straight to the Evil Twin. Cool! This is far too stupid to be a trap…
Completed my quest to flirt with danger while cheating on death. I was offered many, many rewards, but turned them all down. A true villian quests just for the sake of questing!
Exalted One, you can’t just mash the bottle of mojo and the bottle labeled “Drink me” together and expect to… Oh. Well clearly, a biodegradable time capsule sitting in my hands proves that I ought to doubt my goddess less…
Called my pet over and tried to fasten the “Will code HTML for food” tablet to his collar. Poor Androcles whined skeptically, but let me try it anyway! I was in line at my doctor’s office, so I started stealing random medicines from other heroines while they leave the doctor’s office… I got extremely tired of waiting and shouted ‘My philosoraptor Androcles hasn’t eaten for over 3 days and is very hungry!’ The doctor sensed the emergency and had me treated in no time. Suddenly, Androcles began to spin in a circle at really high speed. When it finally stopped, I noticed that my pet had leveled up and was also wearing a super-philosoraptor costume.
My beloved Androcles crept up behind the monster and meowed loudly. Judging by the shocked look on its face, the Cinnamon Troll was not mentally prepared for that. I also heard an adult male Rhubarbarian howl nearby, “I’m waiting on the ?. My ?, I hope you’ll join me soon..” I’ll be glad when mating season is over.
Ran into an Error laying a wreath of roses near one of my tombstones, which read “The Future Home of Odaxitar.” Evil Twin is looking enviously at my outfit. That can’t be good. I’m like, level 76 now! I’m like way more mature now! You can’t tell me what to do anymore, Great One.
The doctor told me I needed to start drinking more. Also, I’m calling myself The Doctor now.
Heard a dying Street Fighter proclaim, “The fact that jellyfish have survived 650m years despite not having brains, brings me hope for you.” just as another hero took its loot.
Just when I thought the monster was going to kill me, it hugged me instead. It turns out that all this Hired Painkiller wanted was a little love, then everything all went dark… Almighty, I think my deaths outnumber my birthdays now. That’s normal, right?
You were with me when I was bruised and wounded. You were with me when I was alone and miserable. You were with me when I was surrounded with hunger and thirst. I see one factor in all of my life, my Goddess.
Swirling dust in the breeze seemed to form the words “You are actually a carbon based lifeform” for a moment. Sneezed, and now it’s gone before darkness overcame me. I must be a very good person, Omnipotent One. I keep getting reincarnated as me!
Heard a disembodied voice shout: “This is a public service announcement: Smile and be happy!.” It was so unsettling I decided to write it down so I can find it faster.
Suddenly, coming from the nearby hills, there was a roar: “Why do everytime I check on you, you’re always at the brink of death? Are you doing that on
purpose?!” Who’s there?
Is there a more fearsome sight in nature than that of me using my “poisoned kiss” skill? Even though it’s suffering, the Grim Weeper sure looks impressed.
My fluency in Morse code finally came in handy. I listened to the rhythmic clanging noises coming from the blacksmith’s hut and decoded the words: “Warning, your godpower is almost over. Please recharge if you wish keep talking to your God…”
Asked the Notary of Death to kindly stop chewing on my leg. Pain makes it hard to deliver a killing blow…
That was the last entry of Odaxitar at lvl 76, current whereabouts are unknown… Meanwhile: I liked my time frame so much I set fire to it so that I can enjoy it forever in the boring afterlife! Been watching a couple of worms battle for a piece of my liver for the past 20 minutes.
Found a coaster from The Rusty Goblin with “I love you” written on it in my handwriting.
Awoke on a silk lined bed with a bouquet of flowers in my hands and cards all around the room. There was even a picture of me, cut out in the shape of a heart! I’ve finally got a Valentine, Luminous One!
Later: ‘Who am I…? Why am I here…?’