Chapter 0.5
I ran away from my 1000 monster today! I’m so proud of myself. I bet that I’m the faster sprinter in godville.
Today I drank a tankard of beer in less than a minute. I’m pretty happy, I just wonder why everyone looks so blurry.
Intro and Disclaimer
This chapter and only this chapter is written from the view of Taquitos
After creating a mortal, I decided it was only right to let him permanently record his thoughts for all to see. That being said, the following narrative is not to be cited in any legal documents, as the trip from the chair to the floor after drinking too much may have affected the hero’s memory of certain things. I should also warn you that he sometimes considers himself an amazing comedian. Do not read this while operating heavy machinery or taking any other sleeping pills. With no further ado, I present to you the chronicles of Tacitus-.
Ok, ok one more note. Tacitus- meets with other gods, just for convenience. I may play around with this later, but for now, pretend he has a secret, extra-special relationship with us (and is shunned by other heroes…)
Update: As of 2/3/2015 (that’s February 3rd), I have some helpful stuff at the end. Check it out.
Chapter 1
Beginnings
I was born a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away… oops. I forgot that had already been taken. Anyway, I can’t remember much about my childhood. I was living the easy life before Taquitos showed up. He made being a hero sound so fun that I immediately agreed. That’s when I was introduced to the milestone. What bufoon decided to build towns more than a mile apart? It’s crazy I tell you! Walking ten miles before I can find a decent mug of beer. And the constant commands of “Dig for treasure little underling” do not help.
Chapter 2
Death
Well, things were just dandy until suddenly, one day a crazy monster killed me. Now, you may think that like everyone else, a hero dies for at least more than a day. I am ahem living proof that this isn’t true. I was ressurected by my god a few hours later. Since then, I have been killed many times, as the entries below should prove beyond any doubt. Oh! And before I forget, there is literally nothing to do while you are waiting to be ressurected. It’s like living in a ghost town (snicker snicker).
02:33: Great One, I’m dead! Do you know any cheat codes?
05:15: Was resurrected in a metropolitan temple by the will of the Almighty. Thank you, Great One!
Chapter 3
Money
After killing my first monster, I collapsed on the ground and rested until I felt strong enough to fight the next one. As I was about to rise, I saw something shiny out of the corner of my eye. I cautiously advanced and found a small stack of coins. Not knowing whom they belonged to, I pocketed them. It turns out that they have been very important in buying me beer and… ummm… Well lots of other things that I can’t think of right now. Unfortunately, they are hard to come by, and somebody up there isn’t really helping.
Chapter 4
Towns
After lugging my loot around for a while, I decided to stop and relax in a town called Bumchester. The first thing I noticed about it was the horrible stench of just about everything you could imagine, rotting. Yes, that includes monsters, food, old socks, and sand castles.
06:41: Finally back in Bumchester. Ah, the fresh smell of… oh, I forgot about the lack of sewer systems in this place.
06:20: I left the hospital and noticed I was 290 gold coins short. I assume I had a really good time last night.
In my defense, I would like to say that the nurse’s injection was spiked, as I never would have ordered 290 coins worth of beer medicine if I were feeling right.
Chapter 5
Taverns and Friends
After getting a lot of money from my loot, I walked out of the shop to find a place to… waste it all. Solution: The Mended Drum. Now this wasn’t just any old run-of-the-line pub. No, this was special. It had a certain something. Maybe it was the half-priced beer. Maybe it was the sign saying, “Money spent here is donated to the Association for the Treatment of Monsters Who Have Been Wounded While Heroically Fighting.” Or maybe, just maybe, it was the reverse-bouncer who dragged me inside and took my money, replacing it with a mug of ‘Genuine Busthead.’ Whatever the reason was, I decided to let loose and get a little drunk completely stoned.
When I woke up, I found out that I had bought drinks for WatermelonRZ, Nexus, and Preachy Lopnor. Apparently, we had also swapped stories and made some bets. Well, I won some of those, so I looked them up the next day. From then on, I have thought of them, as well as many other heroes as my trustworthy friends. At least when beer isn’t involved (or in Preachy’s case, some odd little round thingies that say LCG).
Chapter 6
Gambling
Curse that rascally Preachy Lopnor! Now I am broke, but more importantly, I have a new addiction that competes with drinking!
It started innocent enough. I was on my way to the pub, when Preachy burst out of a shop and grabbed my arm. “Hey Tacitus-.” She said with a sweet smile. “Have you ever jumped off a building?” “Well… no.” I replied. “Okay have you ever inhaled a lemming?” “Ummm… no. I don’t think I have.” “Oooh!” she squealed. “Then you will just love gambling!”
Preachy proceeded to drag me halfway across the town, until we reaced a magnificent building. Inside, there were heroes throwing dice, spinning wheels, and watching monsters club each other to death. Preachy reassured me saying “Don’t worry! Taquitos has an account in our celestial casino!” She then made me fill out some really tough paperwork. The question that really got me was was “What is the date?” Like I would know that.
After finishing the paperwork, Preachy gave me 25 chips. “These are to bet!” She whispered. “Use them wisely.” I looked around the spacious hall, and my eyes lighted on the bar. I walked up to it and lightly stepped over the newbies passed out on the floor. The barkeeper grinned when he saw me and took ten of my chips. “Choose the order of your 6 shots.” He chuckled. I chose to drink them as he made them. What a silly man.
The first shot was great! I asked politely for the next one. It wasn’t as good as the first. I felt woozy, and then tipped backwards unsteadily, before passing out.
When I woke up, I demanded a refund. After all, I payed for six shots. That crazy man said that I only got to drink five of them if I was lucky. What does luck have to do with it? He clearly said that I got six shots, didn’t he? How come I only would be able to drink 5 of them? I should be able to drink 3 more!!
Well, I decided to leave because things were getting hairy fast, and I was still a bit giddy. So I went over to a guy throwing dice. And do you know what he did? He took ten more of my chips and wouldn’t give them back! He said that I had lost them! How can I lose them if they were mine? I saw them go into his pocket, and politely reminded them where they were, in case he had forgotten. That didn’t work well. He said that he would kick me out if I didn’t leave him alone.
Well, I don’t need these stupid chips anymore. I’ll just toss them on that spinning wheel over there. I am never coming back here again. For all I care, they can al- What’s that?!? I won?!? Just dump those chips right here. Oooooohhhhh…. Shiny….
A Brief Musical Interlude
by WatermelonRZ, dedicated to Gamer’s Guild
You are my ally,
My only ally,
You help me out of,
All of my fights,
You’ll never know, guild,
How much I respect you,
Please don’t take my ally away.
by Taquitos, dedicated to WatermelonRZ
You are my guildmate,
My loyal guildmate,
You restore my,
Confidence and joy,
You’ll never know Watermelon,
How much I owe you,
Please don’t take my guildmate away.
by Taquitos, dedicated to Gamer’s Guild
You are our ally,
Our favorite ally,
You provide comraderie,
And awesome games,
You’ll never know me,
Outiside of Godville,
But we will be cyber friends.
Finite
Lyrics are a bit dated, included for effect
Chapter 7
Guilds
One day, I was dragged into a warehouse, hazed, and then proclaimed a member of the Evening Star Soceity. I gradually rose through their ranks, enjoying my new-found friends, especially the helpful Stargazer who taught me the do’s and dont’s of the Society. One day however, a voice boomed in my head, and commanded me to take a pilgrimage far into the North. Reluctantly, I turned in my membership card and walked away from Evening Star Society’s guild hall forever.
Chapter 8
The Birth of a Guild
After trekking for days, I collapsed on the ground. A voice thundered across the frozen plains that surrounded me, and ordered me to found the Tundra Expedition Society. I printed out membership cards and promptly began to make paper airplanes out of them. Okay, okay. Maybe I stole some cards from Knights Who Say Ni and scribbled ‘TES’ on them. But I assure you that the pen I used was most definately my own, not the identical one that went missing from the League of Adjucators.
Chapter 9
The lonely vigil
With my guild started, I began to wait for members. Days passed. Weeks passed. Then I realized that maybe my abandoned guild hall wasn’t the best place to be recruiting in. Armed with my stolen forged pilfered brand new membership cards, I stepped into the bustling streets of Godville. For a few days, I scurried around dropping my cards into mugs of beer, fiiling kegs of ale with stacks of advertisements, and replacing entire temples with card-houses made of ‘Genuine TES beer vouchers.’
The results were underwhelming. Of my 300 assorted cards, I had only heard back from the recipient if one of them. He said that he would turn me into the foundation for his temple, if I ever messed with his beer again. I replied that he could get free beer in my guild, and demonstrated its fine quality by emptying his mug and pouring him a new cup of my signature rum.
I spent the next two months living under his temple.
Dream Sequence
I felt the stinging slap across my face. A tingling sensation spread like a spider web, rippling outward. A thump resounded through my ears as I was clubbed from behind. Stars raced across my vision, exploding into showers of gold coins. Inky darkness enveloped me, embracing me in the warm folds of sleep. I jump off of the cliff of wakefulness, plunging into unconciousness. A calm slips over me like a wave of water…
Chapter 10
Life under a temple
I awoke as a sharp pain raced up my spine. A stifling weight pushed down on me. I peeked out from under the corner of my oppressor. Gold glimmered around me. I was under a half-finished temple. I heard voices.
To my right, a large man sat with a mug of foaming ale. He was loudly proclaiming that he had defeated some swine and used him as a golden brick for his temple. Two more monstrous fellows laughed racously and bellowed with delight. My mind raced. How was I to escape? Maybe that fellow that he had used as a brick could help me…
A few hours later, I had completely lost hope. The trio of overgrown baboons had played ‘Kick Pong’ in which they tried to get a rock into my general area. A sucess equaled a beer. A failure equaled stomping repeatedly on my face. The unfortunate man-turned-brick was no where to be seen. It looked like I was here to stay.
Chapter 11
Righteous Fury
I eventually escaped from my captor by promising him half of my gold bricks. Unfortunately for him, Taquitos lit him on fire as soon as he got close to my unfinished temple. I have never seen lighting fly so fast… aside from when I accidentally traded a gold brick for an “endless” beer mug. Taquitos got the brick back and then some. The trader had to flee out of town after the burning of the back of his tent revealed a massive llama trafficking center, and underground pika fighting ring.
Chapter 12
Meditations on life
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Chapter 13
The mediocre poetry contest
I despise poems.
I did not win the contest.
I give up on rhymes.
My submission was:
Roses are red; violets blue
Some poems rhyme and make sense
This one does not rhyme
Just kidding, lake frankincense
Gobble down some thyme
02:18: Squidgitt climbed up on a stool and loudly recited some of her own verses. Tacitus- felt as if he was slowly losing his mind.
02:19: Tacitus- began reciting a poem he wrote. Squidgitt felt horrified, and clamped her hands over her ears.
Yeah, so I lied. I want to have a bragging section :P
July 14: 2013
10:30: Notes from the arena: Ishtia is unconscious. Tacitus- successfully fulfilled the goal of praising his deity! The winner receives a gold brick and 653 gold coins.
(Alt of Shannonus and the #6 in gladiatorship at the time)
March 4 2015
03:01 Notes from the arena: Shouting, “✔mate ❊” Tacitus- welcomes his opponent. Logan X idly responds with “Loud noises!”. The judge ensures that both opponents have equal chances and the duel begins.
03:12 Notes from the arena: Logan X is on his knees. Tacitus- salutes to the heavens! The winner receives a gold brick and 6861 coins.
200/113
March 7 2015
11:38 Notes from the arena: Shouting, “The past is history.” Chaos Residue welcomes his opponent. Tacitus- idly responds with “✔mate ❊”. The judge ensures that both opponents have equal chances and the duel begins.
11:56 Notes from the arena: Chaos Residue is on his knees. Tacitus- salutes to the heavens! The winner receives a gold brick and 4333 gold coins. The winner gets a log of gopher wood in accordance with the special rule of this fight.
He was number 3 in duelers, with a rating of 776.1 at the time. A few days before, he was number one. Win 203.
March 22 2015
09:51 Notes from the arena: After mandatory equalization, Kimiko Kamikaze and Tacitus- look at each other appraisingly. The audience watches with anticipation.
10:00 Notes from the arena: Kimiko Kamikaze is unconscious. Tacitus- successfully fulfilled the goal of praising his deity! The winner got richer by 11167 gold coins and a golden brick.
Win 215, a few days after a 30+ charge duel with TinyPlaidNinjas (a pyrrhic victory, as they say). This was my 2nd time defeating Morrigan Dahila, both times because she was very unlucky – here, she backfired twice, while I didn’t at all, and I was AFK for two turns as well.
April 24 2015
10:59 Notes from the arena: In the red corner of the arena — Egmont. In the blue corner — Tacitus-. The judge makes the heroes equal and gives the go-ahead to the duel.
11:06 Notes from the arena: Egmont begs for mercy. Tacitus- definitely fulfilled his god’s expectations today! The winner receives a gold brick and 4330 coins.
Win 221. First duel after a little break from GV. My opponent was 16 in duelers and 20/6 for the season, so I was a little scared. I didn’t know what to do in a duel where both fighters lost health each turn, so I just went ahead and punished. We were about even at this point, so I punished again on her attack. This dropped me to 74 health, as she punished, had a succesful VC and attacked. Thinking it was over, I said, “Heal! Short duel?” and encouraged. Amazingly, she backfired and lost over 100 HP, ending the match at turn 6. This is probably one of my shortest duels ever, despite some lag at the beginning. The only ones close to this length that I can remember are the ones where Morrigan Dahlia got really unlucky and backfired a lot. Also, first sighting of someone from Equinox
April 25 2015
01:43 Notes from the arena: In the red corner of the arena — Toka. In the blue corner — Tacitus-. The judge makes the heroes equal and gives the go-ahead to the duel.
02:01 Notes from the arena: Toka surrenders. Tacitus- definitely fulfilled his god’s expectations today! The winner receives a gold brick and 43385 coins.
Win 222. 50k gold after selling loot.
If you would like to see something added, friend me (Taquitos) and tell me your idea. Or communicate with me somehow!
Tips, tricks and misc.
1. On the iOS app, and maybe other mobile ones, there is a yellow highlight next to you gold amount (top right corner of the screen) when a new message comes in. (Courtesy of Godville Admin)
2. You can’t dig for a boss while in town.
04:12 The city guards quickly killed the boss. What a pity! At least I’ve got a dream machine and portable wormhole from its corpse.